If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I have tasted many bathrooms
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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