I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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