i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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