Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
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I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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