i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
