i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
