K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
