also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
