Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
