My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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