ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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