i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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