Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
