it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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