My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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