So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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