Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
