is wine microwaveable?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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