i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My dick has a subreddit
this is an emotional support booty call
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
