I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
