Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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