dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
