I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
