I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
