Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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