Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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