I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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