I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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