I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
All I want is dick and wine.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
