I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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