I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
