we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
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She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
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I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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