im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
