First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
