I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
