hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
