Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
