She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i think i have two assholes
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
