so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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