i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
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Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed