At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering