I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
