I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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