I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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