When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
is that a dick in a sweater?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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