I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize