no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
operation have a gay friend backfired
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
