My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
