i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
