Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
