my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
