She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
