Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
