Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I still have a little drunk in my system
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
