i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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