I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
