I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
