Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
