I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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